I hate spunk.
Me and Mr. Grant**, but mostly me.
Restless in a world where she doesn't quite fit, Rhiannon Kinsley becomes intrigued by Cerne Silverwing, a mysterious man who appears in her bedroom. Despite the instant attraction, she finds it impossible to believe him when he tells her she is a Faerie princess.
If someone appeared in your bedroom and told you that, you'd be calling for the guys with nets. This is an overused, cliched, and rather dull start. Have her shoot at him, taser him, or at least scream. Or better yet, start someplace else for the query. You don't have to start the query in the same place you start the book.
Twenty-five human years earlier, the White Faerie Elders chose Cerne to become the princess’s consort. During that time, he’s enjoyed his freedom, yet secretly yearns for his faerie-wings and the magical powers they will bring. When Rhiannon ignores his call, he enchants her with Faerie dust and brings her back to their magical world.
So, what is he now? A guy drinking beer and watching JackAss? Reading Tucker Max and secretly yearning for faerie wings? If you don't give me substance I start imaging all sorts of stupid things. You're lost in generalities here. One or two specifics will strengthen this immeasurably.
Forced into the role of White Faerie Princess, Rhiannon struggles to accept her destiny. Amidst the looming invasion of the Dark Faerie army, Rhiannon and Cerne discover exploding passion. However, despite their growing attraction, Cerne is afraid to voice his true feelings. Will Rhiannon accept her role as princess in her new world, and will Cerne learn to freely admit his love? Or will they lose each other forever?
Why is he afraid to voice his true feelings? Oh wait..he's been reading Tucker Max when he was back on hiatus from faerie land. And why is their passion exploding? Passion never simmers does it? I'm poking fun here cause this is SO overused that I literally can't read those words without making jokes. This is not the response you're looking for.
This manuscript has taken 1st place in the Valley of the Sun’s Hot Prospects contest and 2nd place in North Texas Romance Writers’ Great Expectations contest. In addition, Wings of Desire has recently finaled in SMRW’s Laurie and Passionate Ink’s Stroke of Midnight contests. I am a member of the Romance Writers of America, two local RWA chapters, and several on-line special interest chapters. I am also an active member of two critique groups, where I have the opportunity to work with several published authors. I am currently at work on a Regency-Set Historical, which has also finaled in several RWA contests.
So, it's probably just me then cause right now this doesn't entice me to read it at all. And it could just be the query letter.
And "finaled" is writer shorthand. I'm not sure it's an actual word. "Was a finalist" is correct, but I'll yield to the local grammarians to correct me if I'm wrong here. And "finaled" isn't going to stop me from reading something.
I’ve included a synopsis and the first three chapters of Wings of Desire. I would be happy to send you the full manuscript if and when appropriate. I look forward to the opportunity to work with you.
Thank you,
**here's the reference
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Revision #1
Dear Query Shark:
Time to call the nice young men in white coats! Rhiannon Kinsley has finally fallen off the deep end of workaholism as she strives to succeed in a world where she doesn’t quite fit in.
Is it just me or does that second sentence make no sense? First, you don't fall off a deep end. Deep end is an allusion to the deep end of the pool. You'd fall IN. You can fall off an edge, but not off an end. Second, do you mean she's finally become a workaholic or stopped being a workaholic? I don't know from how this is phrased. Again, it may be just me.
Then a sexy stranger insists she is a faerie princess whose fate will also determine his own. What a crock!
The sexy stranger Cerne Silverwing,
What does gaining his wings have to do with the Dark Faerie Queens covetousness?
The sentences have to have a logical connection. You can leave out parts that a reader can intuit but you can't leave out the parts they won't. I don't get this.
WINGS OF DESIRE has won and placed in several RWA sponsored contests. I am a member of the Romance Writers of America, two local RWA chapters, and several special interest chapters. I am also an active member of two critique groups where I have the opportunity to work with several published authors. I am currently at work on a Regency set historical which has also placed in several contests.
The first three chapters and synopsis are included for your review.
Respectfully,
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Dear Query Shark,
Rhiannon Kinsley’s life goes from boring to downright bizarre when a freak lightning bolt streaks through her window and strikes her laptop. To make matters even weirder, strange words and symbols start flashing across her computer screen and she starts hearing a mysterious voice in her head. Time to call the nice young men in the white coats! Then Cerne Silverwing, a strange yet sexy man, appears. He insists she is a faerie princess whose fate will determine his own. What a crock! Now she knows who really needs the white coats.
Cerne kidnaps her and brings her to Fey, a land where magic flows freely and unicorns flee the debauched. He’s performing a duty to his kingdom and nothing more — a duty that will bring him his wings and the strengthened magical powers that come with them. He needs to unite with the princess as her consort or he will never grow his wings. That would be the Faerie princess who grew up in the land of laptops and instant messages. The one he kidnapped. The one who's convinced they're both crazy.
Despite their differences, the two are thrust together to defeat the leather-clad, whip-wielding Dark Faerie Queen before she takes over their kingdom. Passion and peril aside, will "more" be their destiny after all?
Ok, here's where you lose me. Up till now it's been lighthearted and funny, and the plot seems to be that Cerne needs to ...err...snuggle with Rhiannon to get his wings. Suddenly here comes the Dark Faerie Queen and some sort of evil agenda...straight out of left field. And what do you mean by "more?"
WINGS OF DESIRE, a 105,000 word fantasy romance, has won and placed in several RWA sponsored contests. I am a member of the Romance Writers of America,
I have included the first three chapters and a synopsis for your review. I appreciate your time and consideration.
Respectfully,
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